There's a quiet drift that can happen in relationships, a subtle pulling apart that has nothing to do with arguments and everything to do with the relentless hum of daily life. One day you're sharing a bed, a mortgage, a dog, and the next, you realise you're conversing mostly in logistics: "Who's picking up the kids?" "Did you remember to pay that bill?" The intimacy, the spark, the sheer delight of knowing another human being deeply… it can get obscured by the relentless drumbeat of responsibilities.

It's not a moral failing; it's a human one. Our brains are wired for efficiency, for routine, for prioritising the urgent over the important. But connection, true, vibrant connection, demands intentionality. It asks us to pause, to look up from our screens and to-do lists, and to bravely lean into the uncomfortable silences or the even more uncomfortable questions. What we know about lasting partnerships, about those bonds that not only survive but thrive through decades, is that they actively cultivate curiosity about one another. They never assume they know the whole story.

So, if you're feeling that subtle distance creeping in, or simply want to deepen a bond that's already strong, consider these ten questions. They're designed not as a checklist for a perfect relationship, but as a compass for genuine conversation, vetted by those who spend their lives helping people find their way back to each other. They're invitations to vulnerability, not interrogations.

1. What’s something small I did this week that made you feel appreciated?

We often assume our partner knows we love them, but we forget to show them they are liked. This question, a classic from the Gottman Institute’s research on successful couples, sidesteps the grand, sweeping gestures. It’s about noticing the little things: the cup of tea brought to you at your desk without asking, the fact they recorded that show you like. It builds a catalogue of small kindnesses that proves you’re still paying attention.

2. Is there anything you’re feeling anxious or worried about that I don’t know about?

World-renowned therapist Esther Perel notes that in every couple, there are two distinct individuals with their own hidden worlds. We think we know everything about our partner, but their internal landscape is always shifting. This isn't about solving their problems. It’s about being a safe harbour for their anxieties, a place where their worries can be spoken aloud without judgment. It’s a powerful way of saying, “You don’t have to carry that alone.”

3. What does your ideal, relaxing weekend look like right now?

The answer to this can change dramatically depending on your stress levels, workload, or life stage. One person’s idea of relaxation (a long hike) might be the other person’s idea of hell (a long hike). This question stops you from assuming and helps you coordinate genuine rest and downtime together, rather than just collapsing in front of the TV out of sheer indecision.

4. Lately, have I felt more like a partner, or more like a roommate?

This one is sharp, so handle it with care. It’s a direct probe into the heart of the ‘logistics over love’ problem. The goal isn’t to assign blame, but to open a conversation about it. If the answer is “a roommate,” the follow-up is simple: “What could I do to feel more like your partner again?” It’s about taking joint ownership of the dynamic.

5. What’s a dream you have for the future that you haven’t told me about yet?

We talk endlessly about shared goals – mortgages, holidays, retirement. But what about their personal, secret dreams? The ones that feel too silly or ambitious to say out loud? Maybe it’s learning pottery, writing a novel, or just visiting a specific, obscure museum. Sharing these individual dreams makes you feel seen as a person, not just as one half of a couple.

6. Is there a recurring argument we have that you’d like us to solve for good?

Therapists say most couples have the same handful of arguments on a loop for years. The topic might change (bins, money, in-laws), but the underlying issue is the same. This question is an attempt to zoom out and see the pattern. It’s a way of saying, “Let’s stop fighting about this specific thing and talk about what’s really going on underneath.”

7. How can I support you better this coming week?

This is a profoundly practical and loving question. It’s not a vague, lifelong promise; it’s a concrete, seven-day contract. It allows your partner to ask for what they actually need right now – maybe it’s help with a specific task, more alone time, or just a bit more patience. It’s an immediate, actionable way to show you’re on their team.

8. What’s one thing you miss about us from the early days?

This isn’t just about gooey-eyed nostalgia. It’s a data-gathering exercise. What was a feeling or a dynamic that has faded? Was it more spontaneity? Deeper conversations? More physical affection? Identifying what’s missing is the first step toward consciously bringing a little of it back into the present.

9. Is “no” a safe word in our relationship?

Can your partner disagree with you without fear of a fight? Can they say “no” to a social event, a request, or even to sex, and know they will be met with respect, not resentment? This question, inspired by the work of boundaries experts, is a vital check-up on the emotional safety and respect within the relationship. A genuine “yes” only has meaning if “no” is an equally available option.

10. What is one thing you’re proud of right

In the hustle of partnership, it’s easy to focus solely on the "we" and forget the "me." Yet, a strong partnership is built by two strong individuals. This question invites your partner to celebrate their personal wins, their quiet accomplishments, or even just their resilience. It’s an opportunity to see them shine in their own light, and for you to witness and affirm their individual triumphs, reinforcing that you’re not just a team, but also each other’s biggest cheerleaders.