It’s 9:17 pm on a Tuesday. You’re on one end of the sofa, scrolling through emails you should have answered hours ago. Your partner is on the other, staring into the middle distance, seemingly mesmerised by a repeat of Grand Designs. The only communication you’ve shared in the last hour was a mutual, weary grunt when the takeaway menu arrived.

This is the frontline of a long-term relationship. The land of shared exhaustion, life admin, and the magnetic, soul-sucking pull of the sofa.

The glossy version of romance – the surprise weekends away, the candlelit dinners, the lingerie that doesn't feel like a cheese wire – feels like a cruel joke. It’s for people in films, people without overflowing laundry baskets, a looming MOT, and a child who has just remembered they need a diorama of a Roman villa by Friday. When you’re this tired, just remembering to put the bins out feels like a Herculean effort. Romance? You’d settle for eight uninterrupted hours of sleep.

But a relationship can’t survive on life admin and shared fatigue alone. So, what does romance look like when you're both completely, utterly knackered?

First, Let’s Redefine ‘Romance’

The biggest barrier to romance in adult life is the ridiculous pressure for the Grand Gesture. We’ve been conditioned to think it has to be a big, expensive, Instagrammable performance. That’s not romance. That’s another flipping project to manage.

For tired people, real romance isn't about grand gestures. It's about small, consistent acts of connection. It’s the quiet, background hum of affection that reminds you both you’re on the same team. It’s not about adding more to your plate; it’s about sprinkling a bit of flavour into the meal you’re already making.

It’s about showing your partner they are seen, understood, and appreciated amidst the relentless chaos of modern life.

The Low-Effort, High-Impact Romance List

Forget trying to orchestrate a perfect date night. Start smaller. Start with things that take less than five minutes but send a clear message: "I'm thinking of you."

1. Master the Art of the Proactive Cuppa Making your partner a cup of tea or coffee is nice. Making them one without being asked, exactly how they like it, and placing it next to them while they’re on a stressful Zoom call? That is poetry. It’s a small act of service that says, “I know you’re slammed, and I’ve got you.”

2. Upgrade Your Hugs Most hugs between long-term couples are functional: a brief pat on the back as you squeeze past each other in the kitchen. Reclaim the proper hug. Aim for at least six seconds. It feels weirdly long at first, but it’s the minimum time required for the feel-good hormones like oxytocin to kick in. It forces you both to stop, breathe, and actually connect for a moment.

3. Embrace the Unsexiest, Sexiest Thing: Shared Competence Nothing says "I love you" to a tired adult quite like taking something off their mental to-do list. Quietly sorting out the car insurance renewal, cleaning the grim bit of the shower they hate, or dealing with the mysterious smell coming from the fridge isn’t glamorous, but it’s a profound act of love. It says, “I saw a problem that affects us, and I handled it so you wouldn’t have to.”

4. The 15-Minute Sofa Date Okay, you’re going to end up on the sofa anyway. So make it intentional. For just 15 minutes, put the phones away. Turn the telly off. And just talk. Not about the kids, not about the boiler, not about work. Ask a better question. "What was the best bit of your day?" "What are you excited about this weekend?" "Did you see that ridiculous meme I sent you?" It’s about carving out a tiny bubble of ‘us’ time in the place you spend most of your evening.

These small acts are about rebuilding a sense of closeness and emotional connection, which is the foundation of physical intimacy and everything else. It's a huge topic, and one we delve into much deeper in our practical intimacy guide.

Romance isn't dead when you're in your thirties and forties; it’s just changed its clothes. It’s less about champagne and roses and more about teamwork, kindness, and finding moments of genuine connection in the slivers of time you have. It’s about choosing each other, even when you're so tired you could fall asleep standing up.

If even thinking about this feels like one more thing on the list, we get it. When you're in a rut, the inertia is real. The conversation prompts and relationship exercises in the Zonda app are designed to be simple, low-effort ways to get the ball rolling again. Think of it as a gentle nudge to help you look up from your screens and see the person sitting right next to you.